you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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