I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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