Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
she woke up with a sticky ear
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
