just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
BRING THE BAGELS
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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