i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
