You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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