I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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