we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
