when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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