I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
