help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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