Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
