Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
why is half of my head shaved?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
