I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
