It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
