dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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