you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
