I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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