I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
