im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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