I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
