god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
