Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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