My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
