Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
