Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
