help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
