she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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