take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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