I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
