Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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