I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
