I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
