thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
