@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
