The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Did I show you my penis last night?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
