Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
