hotel room ftw
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
