i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
