I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
