Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
