i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
