Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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