Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
