oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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