cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
