No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i dont even know how to be here
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
