ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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