piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
