i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
