My underwear smells like fireworks.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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